Pit Stop
by The USS Ficcelsior
Summary: This is going to be really weird if you're not familiar with the Eva Racing subculture. Actually, it's still weird even if you do know about it.
1. Chapter 1

" _I'm not a car battery. I don't need rechargin'."_

\- Michael Rooker, _Days of Thunder_

* * *

The Evangelion Racing team was about to learn there's more than one way to clean out a few valves in a fuel injection system. The three cars sped in a circle around their enormous opponent, surrounding it in a continuous blur of orange, red, and pink. A line of slower but more rugged vehicles driven by Angels formed a second ring on the outside, circling the track like vultures waiting for the kill.

The Angels never stood a chance against three feisty race vixens with unmatched Synchronization ratings behind the wheel. Until now.

Most weeks, the Angels would try to run their human opponents down with little more than go-karts armed with antimatter generators and pitchforks. For today's event, however, the Angels had seemingly outclassed the Eva team in every category besides raw RPMs, taking to the track with a towering motorized nightmare designed to obliterate any smaller vehicles caught in its treads and deliver the death knell for the Eva Racers. A Robosaurus for the apocalyptic age.

The automotive terror let out a metallic roar, belching exhaust fumes over the field. Racer 00's pilot broke from the rest of her team and swerved in front of the bipedal machine, tricking it to lose its balance. The Angel contraption revved back and threw its automated claws toward the track, smashing through Racer 00's hood like a trash compactor and slaughtering the car in mid-drift.

The crumpled orange speedster screamed and shuddered in agony as the nimble driver in its cockpit struggled with the starter. The car shook for a second as its wounded engine almost started to turn, but then the horrifying Bardielzilla-looking creation slammed its claws through the canopy, wrenching the car completely in half in a gory showcase of battery cables and hydraulic oil, decisively ending any glimmer of hope that it would ever move on its own power again. The Angels celebrated with a barbaric wave of applause.

Mari swallowed her sympathy for Rei and threw Racer 05 into top gear. She steered through the Angel's legs, weaved through its claws as they impaled the asphalt around her, and accelerated toward freedom. She was almost out of danger when she heard the sound of screeching rubber and clashing metal somewhere in the dense black clouds ahead of her. The Angel beast rose through the smoke with something sleek and red in its steel jaws. It violently shook its head pistons like a dog rattling the life out of its prey and tossed the object aside as if it were a Frisbee.

Mari drove out of the collision zone and into the clear blue horizon. So clear that she could see the mangled frame of Racer 02 twirling out of control through the air and heading straight for her windshield at 200 miles per hour.

* * *

Mari seemed incredibly bored for a girl who had been captured by ruthless interdimensional invaders and was about to become the subject of a living autopsy.

She was sitting on the edge of a structure that looked every bit like an operating table as it did a giant Xerox machine. Indescribable Angelic forms were clustered around her, meticulously poking every inch of bare skin on her legs, shoulders, and waist, prodding every crease in her glittering pink Plugsuit, and pinching dangerously close to the zipper seam that rode her underarm. A small flick from an elongated alien finger is all it would have taken to put her in a state of undress.

She looked more annoyed at her predicament than afraid.

The walls to Mari's left and right showed a panorama of devastation. The Evangelion Racers were left abandoned in the field as molten lumps of brightly-colored metal. Scorching oil from the crumpled engine blocks was still spewing across the road, mixing with LCL seeping from the cockpits that had been carved open in the likeness of three vicious Cesarean sections. Mari had only been half-awake when they pried her out of the wreck and took her to… whatever this place was. A space ship? A parallel universe? The sponsors' lounge?

In front of Mari, separated into individual cells like lab mice undergoing isolated experiments, she could see the other two members of her vanquished race team. Asuka had been collected along with entire interior roll cage of her Eva Racer. At first glance, she was nothing but a curled up ball of red sequins sinking deeper and deeper into a matching leather seat as a single beaming spotlight glared down on her. Her fingers frantically clawed at her temples while her long hair covered most of her face. Her knees were pulled up until they squeezed against her trembling, tear-soaked chin. Trapped in her own personal Hell, she wailed in shrieks of agony, groans of terror, and incomprehensible sentence fragments that mostly pertained to her mother. It was as if she was trying to wrestle something out of her head, and the thing was too invested in her most intimate thoughts to let go.

For reasons even she herself couldn't explain, Mari imagined the Clockwork Orange soundtrack playing in the background.

"Take it easy on the little sprocket, will ya guys?" Mari said to the Angels with a look of remorse. "She might have a few screws loose in the gearshaft, but she ain't a carburetor on an Oldsmobile."

The leader of the Angels was looming close enough to Mari that her bare knees almost met the unspeakable mass of exoskeleton that roughly defined his torso. His appearance defied the laws of physics and biology, senselessly combining the qualities of an alien creature, a mad scientist, and a junk heap of winding clockwork all into one. He was the only being sinister enough to throw a monkey wrench into the great plan that was humanity. The Master of Macabre Machinations: Turbinel.

"Oh, but this is only her first lap around the track," the Angel sneered. "We're still only trying to understand the way your kind behaves. We haven't even begun to contaminate her brain."

One of the Angels crowded behind Turbinel appended a short " _Mwuahahaha_ " to the end of his statement.

Rei was kept in a neon containment field across from Asuka. She was floating motionlessly in a tall glass tube, preserved in an unidentifiable synthetic that was slowly decrypting the mysteries of her genes and preparing her cells for mass replication. Her eyelids twitched as her sweet liquid dreams briefly turned sour. She remained perfectly silent in her chemically-induced sleep aside from an occasional " _glubble."_ Her two-piece pearl white Plugsuit never looked more like a luxury bathing suit before now.

Mari's stall was the most crowded of the three. She was surrounded by the metallic clatter of surgical knives, the electric whir of bone saws, and the high-pitched squeal of a hydraulic impact wrench.

"I guess I'm in for more than a little tune-up, eh?" Mari asked as she eyed her captors from side to side, a hint of trepidation in her breath. Tucked behind her glossy pink skirt, her gloved fingers nervously clutched the edge of the counter.

"You've got that right, motor muffin," Turbinel boastfully replied. "We're going to take out all your stock parts and load you up with custom mods."

"There's a slight chance your soul will survive the encounter," a more scholarly Angel added.

"You three have been leaving us in the dust for long enough," said Turbinel. "Now that your worthless human toys are destroyed, all that's left for you is to become our Angel Racers. You'll be the beautiful harbingers that drive humanity to its final Instrumentality."

"We'd love to keep all three of you on the team, but we really only need one of you alive," said another Angel.

" _Mwuahahaha,"_ added the same devious Angel as before.

Turbinel pointed his plier-shaped limb toward Asuka's screaming, shivering helplessness.

"She'll be an Angel in mind."

He pointed toward Rei's buoyant, bubbling sleepiness.

"She'll be an Angel in body."

"And what a _body_ it is!" one of the other Angels rudely exclaimed.

"As for you, my tantalizing timing belt, you'll be the fusion of both of our species." Turbinel's compound sensors leaned closer to Mari's spectacled eyes. "Assuming your body doesn't reject the S2 Engine, of course."

"And if you die during surgery, we still get to salvage you for parts," said an Angel looming over Mari's side.

" _Mwuahahaha_."

"Well, I guess I was up for inspection sooner or later." Mari sighed partially in disinterest, and partially in defeat.

Guided by overwhelming magnetic forces—or maybe because she simply didn't see the point in testing her chances going unarmed against an army of highly advanced alien butchers—Mari shifted herself in reverse so her legs fit on the operating table and she could lie with her back against the cold luminescent surface.

A flying saucer of surgical lights glared off of her glasses as she stared toward the ceiling. The Angel's medical and mechanical instruments grew louder, closer to her delicate flesh. For a moment, her mind saw Asuka's Racer spiraling down toward her again. Then she realized it was the shadow of the oxygen mask descending over her mouth.

* * *

 _Author's note: Nothing in this story is supposed to make sense, so don't bother asking what it's supposed to be based on. I basically just took the circa-2012 Eva Racing designs for the girls and came up with an alternate (but vaguely similar) canon for them completely in my head.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_"Okay. Show me."_

\- Arnie Cunningham, _Christine_

 _"Hey daddy-o."_

\- D. Va, _Overwatch_

" _act2boss .mp3_ "

\- Tee Lopes

* * *

A week in the shop was enough time to give any Eva Racer a fresh lube, polish off her fenders, tighten up her struts, and realign her axles. On the seventh day after Rei, Asuka, and Mari were abducted, the portal of Turbinel's invincible fortress-sized AT Field opened like the shutters on a trans-dimensional garage door. Turbinel's ominous and demented laughter echoed from the other side of the beyond, and the three Angel Racers shot out the wormhole like bullets.

They screeched to a halt at a barricade blocking the entrance to Tokyo Speedway-3, where NERV's entire mechanic crew were waiting on call. Shinji was one of the many who had been rushed to the front lines in the emergency that followed the abduction of the Eva pilots. He was armed only with the most basic form of defense used against Angelic intruders: A spray nozzle connected to a tank on his back loaded with engine coolant.

NERV could only guess what condition the Eva team would be in when they returned. Some prayed they might escape the Angels' dimension unharmed, while others were convinced the pilots would never return at all. The answer could be good or bad, depending on how much you valued human individuality.

The new Racers were a fusion of Angelic cruelty and human ingenuity. Their original bodywork was mostly preserved and still boasted the archaic NERV markings for "00," "02," and "05," but their white, red, and pink paint jobs were covered in space debris and scorched almost beyond recognition in some spots. The bumpers were extended with spiked cowcatchers and tangled barbed wire, while the once sleek and elegant canopies were covered with every weapon of Angelic depravity that could be bolted in place. The Racers still bore the scars from their merciless defeat at the hands of the truck Angel. They were little more than the reanimated corpses of the Eva Racers they used to be, siege machines built out of defiled frames and powered by forces beyond human comprehension.

The three cockpits slid open. If the Angel Racer units were the perfect example for how to mangle and bastardize a car on the outside, their pilots were showroom quality exhibits for how to do the same to a woman on the inside. They appeared virtually the same as when they went missing, with color-coordinated plugsuits that showed off a little bit of leg, a little bit of arm, and lots of midriff. Their souls, however, weren't anywhere near as pretty.

Asuka cartwheeled out of the modified Racer 02. Her metallic ruby skirt clung so firmly to the shape of her thighs that it never rolled up even when she stayed perked in a handstand.

Rei stood up in Angel Racer 00's cockpit and daintily climbed out.

And then there was Mari, looking mighty fine for someone who had been carved up on an operating table thanks to the miracle of Angel medicine. She exited Racer 05 by slowly levitating out of its core. Her S2 Organ beat steadily behind her left breast. It filled the empty void left by her original heart and several other frail human organs that had been discarded, fueling her veins with blue blood. The silver ridges lining her plugsuit top were no longer simply decorations accenting her sparkling pink bust: they protected her transplanted organs and quivered with an unnatural life of their own. Her hairclips glowed in a ring around her head, giving her a bright neon halo. Oddly, despite becoming an unholy being that exceeded the limits of human evolution, she still needed to wear her glasses.

Suspense loomed in the air as Rei, Asuka, and Mari revealed themselves to the NERV blockade. They possessed the look of three beautiful Angels and the smell of cheap pina colada air fresheners.

Asuka brushed her long red hair past her temple. The subtle gesture resulted in a shockwave that made half of the NERV crew instantly grab the sides of their heads screaming. They dropped over dead with orange hydraulic fluid seeping out of their ears. Their minds were crushed by Asuka's monstrous psionic power.

Rei slid out of her cockpit on her belly. The pearl white curves of her plugsuit met the pearl white curves of Angel Racer 00's frame as she crawled across the hood like an anxious kitten, flesh pressing against steel. A small, playful chuckle escaped her lips.

The sweet and haunting sound of her voice multiplied. Mysterious twins of Rei emerged from personal AT Fields inside, behind, and on top of Racer 00. They crowded together until the Eva was covered with a baker's dozen of giggling, grinding Rei clones. The effect was similar to a clown car, only infinitely more alluring.

While the Reis in front of the blockade provided a sexy distraction, more of them spawned from behind. Most of the NERV crew ceased to exist before they even realized they were surrounded. A simple innocent touch from any of the Rei copies would cause the victim's human husk to change molecular properties and explode into mechanical parts. Gears and springs rained down from the sky like confetti.

The only member of NERV who lived through the massacre was Shinji. A junkyard of death and scrap metal piled around him. He frantically tried to hold the nozzle of the coolant gun in his trembling arms, but the Angels only mocked him.

"What do you say, girls?" Asuka asked. "Should we rev up this dork's motor for a while before we make him eat our dust?" She brushed the silky auburn hair off her shoulder as she licked her lips.

"I say we change his oil… _permanently_." Rei (along with her army of identical pin-up girls) slowly caressed the grill of her platinum Angel Racer.

Shinji inched back in terror. His friends weren't the same people now that Turbinel had taken them for a spin—if they even still qualified as people. His head snapped from side to side as he met the gaze of each of the wild and wicked Angels.

"What's the matter, Shinji? We're just going to Synchronize with you." Mari sneered with her canines, tucking her hands against her glittering pink vinyl hips.

Shinji's grasp on the nozzle grew tighter as he panicked. The weapon backfired and fell out of his grip, covering his hands in sticky white foam.

"I'm disgusting…" Shinji muttered to himself.

"Forget this loser," Asuka snorted. "We'll get him in gear with some warm-up laps."

"Last one at the finish line has to trigger the Third Impact!" the Reis playfully taunted.

Mari weightlessly sunk into Racer 05's cockpit and closed the canopy. Asuka swiftly vaulted backwards and landed in the leather cushions of Racer 02. Rei and her twins merged back into her singular form and gently hopped into Racer 00.

Rubber squealed as the Racers launched in top gear. Shinji froze in terror as three sets of headlights glared down on him.


End file.
